Puberty and Co-Parenting: The Shift No One Warns You About

A couple of months ago, I took my daughter to the doctor for her annual physical. I had suspected she was entering puberty because there were the usual physical markers and a little more sass than I remembered from just a year or two ago. But when the doctor told me puberty is evaluated on a scale of 1 to 5 and Ava was smack in the middle at a 3, I realized… oh, it’s happening. We’re officially in the thick of it. And there’s no turning back!

Prepping for Puberty (The Part I Thought Was the Whole Job)

I had gotten ahead of the physical things because that’s the stuff you can Google and throw in your Target cart. Skincare routines to manage early breakouts. Regular hair salon appointments for “big girl” styles. A gentle introduction to body spray and layering with deodorant. Bras, body changes, and body hair. A casual mention of crushes and curiosity. And, of course, the period.

Not all of those things have arrived yet. But I didn’t want her to be caught off guard, like I was when my period started. I believe in naming things before they name you, and I wanted her to feel informed rather than ambushed.

And since we co-parent, I made sure to keep her dad in the loop. I checked in to make sure:

• He bought the same skincare products I had.

• He was on board with her hair being straightened, braided, or curled.

• He understood the difference between body spray and perfume (and why she’s not ready for the latter).

• He was stocked with the appropriate undergarments.

• He felt comfortable talking to her about crushes in a way that was supportive but not invasive.

• He had all the period supplies ready to go for when the day came.

I was so proud of how thorough I had been. I’d done all the work. And I just knew I had nailed it. But what I didn’t do… was prepare him for the emotional tsunami that was on its way.

The Unexpected Curveball: Emotional Changes

Which is ironic, because emotional intelligence is a huge value for me. I talk to Ava often about feelings—about how big they are, about how they can come out sideways, about how her relationship with me might change as she grows into herself. But somehow, I forgot to give that same heads-up to her dad.

And listen. They. Bumped. Heads.

Every weekend she was with him, I’d get a text from one or both of them. Her dad would message me saying she was miserable, and nothing he tried made her happy. He felt helpless and frustrated. Meanwhile, she’d text saying he had said something that hurt her feelings, she reacted, he got upset that she was upset, and now neither one of them was speaking.

It wasn’t that either one of them was wrong. It’s just that neither knew how to navigate the new terrain.

A Sit-Down for the Sake of Peace

After a few emotionally exhausting weeks, I sat them both down. I explained to her dad that she is entering puberty, and with that comes hormonal shifts that can make emotional regulation really hard. I reminded him that she’s still the same girl, but now she’s feeling everything more deeply and doesn’t always have the words for it. He needed to give her grace, give her space, but still hold her accountable.

And I reminded Ava that she is allowed to feel what she feels. But she’s not allowed to be disrespectful or dismissive. I told her that it helps her dad if she can try to explain what she’s feeling and, even better, what she needs in those moments.

I think hearing that they weren’t crazy and that what they were both experiencing made sense, softened things. Since that conversation, I haven’t gotten a single “SOS” text in two full weekends. That’s not to say we’ve reached parenting utopia, but it’s progress. And I’ll take progress over perfection any day.

Tips for Preparing the Co-Parent for Puberty

If you’re co-parenting through puberty, especially with a dad who isn’t the primary parent, here are a few ways to set everyone up for success:

• Normalize the physical changes: Share what’s happening developmentally and what to expect next. Include them in conversations about bras, body hair, deodorant, and the period. This helps remove shame and encourages alignment.

• Sync on products: From skincare and undergarments to hair products and hygiene items, use the same ones when possible to create continuity and avoid triggering insecurity or discomfort in your child.

• Use shared language: If you’re saying “body spray” and he’s saying “cologne,” that can create unnecessary confusion or embarrassment. Decide together what language you’ll both use.

• Make room for emotions: Explain the hormonal shifts that can affect mood, empathy, and communication. This isn’t about excusing poor behavior. It’s about understanding what’s underneath it.

• Coach both sides: Support your child in communicating clearly, even when overwhelmed. Support your co-parent in staying calm and curious instead of reactive.

• Stay in communication: Check in regularly. Ask how the weekends went. Troubleshoot gently, not critically. Be a bridge, not a referee.

What This Season Is Teaching Me

Puberty is humbling. Okay?! It reminds me that parenting isn’t just about having answers. It’s about having presence. And co-parenting during this transition requires twice the humility, twice the communication, and twice the willingness to course-correct. But we’re doing it. And if you’re in the thick of it too, so are you!

I’ll keep sharing as we go. You can follow me on Instagram (@imlaurenmarie) for real-time updates, moments from our co-parenting journey, and a whole lot of grace in between.